Crappiest toys of Christmas

Naughty Lil’ Toys
By James Johnson

In the news business Christmas time usually means hacking out some lame ‘best toys gift guide’ to appease those parents who aren’t on speaking terms with their kids. Been there, done that. Introducing the season’s “worst toy gift guide.” You’ve been warned.

1.) FurReal’s Butterscotch Pony
Butterscotch Pony is an award winning toy that claims to make any little girl who has dreamed of having her very own pony, the happiest spoiled brat on the block.
The toy, which is roughly the same height of your average 10 year-old (and width of your average 40-year-old Cubs fan), has been made by Hasbro using advanced realistic animation that reacts to touch. Basically, it moves its head around and grumbles when poked, but otherwise it sits there and does nothing. If this gets confusing to your daughter, simply explain to her that Butterscotch is a special kind of magical narcoleptic pony who needs constant stimulation in order to remain conscious.
Suggested retail price? $299.99. My suggestion? Buy a dog.

2.) Speed Stacks Stack Pack
Sport Stacking is the latest craze trying to redefine the word “sport” to mean “thing you can do while breathing.” The competition requires its players to take plastic cups and stack them really, really fast. That’s it. Just common old plastic cups.
But if you think you can just go to any Dollar General and buy just any plastic cups to stack, think again. These special Speed Stacks brand cups come with something you’re not going to find on any generic plastic cups: a logo.
Oh and four holes in the bottom to prevent stackers from doing anything crazy and unnatural, like say, drinking out of them.

3.) Turbo Bug VacuumA low-powered vacuum designed to suck up bugs so that your child might learn about/torture them for hours on end. This is either a great way to teach your child about the importance of cleanliness, or how to best develop the sadistic curiosity needed to pursue a fruitful career as a serial killer. Either way, this toy - sucks.

4.) Baby AliveWhy do we keep encouraging children to one day want to have kids of their own? The best way for the human race to avoid the consequences of our environmental sloppiness today, is by making certain that no one is alive tomorrow.
Fortunately, Baby Alive seems more likely to make a case against breeding, as its main function is its ability to do what humans do best, create waste.
The doll comes with small packets of “baby food,” that once fed to Baby Alive, is instantly leaked into the baby’s diaper.
Aside from being incredibly messy (both going in and coming out), it has one other realistic baby attribute. Baby Alive is where your money goes to die.
It actually requires you to buy it more food. It is literally one more mouth to feed. In a perfect world, one could simply re-feed the baby its own waste, but as costly as buying extra baby food might be, it is nothing compared to your child’s therapy bills after witnessing such an ungodly act.

5.) Adolf Hitler’s “Mein Kampf”Just in time for the holidays Adolf Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” has received a republishing.
While not a toy, it was on special at a local book store that would probably rather go unnamed. The bookstore’s employees explained that due to fears that the book might not do well during the Christmas season (or Hanukkah for that matter), the company had requested that the book be sold half off with the purchase of romance novelist Nicolas Sparks’ book, “the Choice.” For some reason, the employees refused to pair these two books up. Ah, nothing says love, quite like a book full of hate.