Hypnotoad

Though I may seem like a jaded middle-aged veteran journalist (average journalist life expectancy is 42), I still have my weaknesses and for every weakness there’s a crutch. Bad speller? Use a spellchecker. No good at taking notes? A handheld recorder. Illiterate? Well trained dictation monkey - also known as an editor.
But what if your job requires you meet a deadline, and you’ve got a nasty case of procrastination fever? What crutch can help you with a basic problem that exists entirely in the confines of your grey matter? How ‘bout calling up a hypnotist, like Teresa del Giudice?
Giudice is a trained hypnotist of the highest order who has been tampering with the human subconscious since 2003, when she attended a hypnosis school in Chicago, Ill.
Since starting her practice Giudice says she has been approached to help clients conquer a variety of unique problems, from weight loss, to memory recovery. But could she help me stop procrastinating? Read on to find out … or if you’re too lazy just skip to the last paragraph, then go take a nap. You’ve earned it.






First impressions

Though I like to consider myself the opened minded sort, I was initially skeptical about meeting with a hypnotist. If “the Maury Povich Show” has taught me anything, it’s to not trust “the Maury Povich Show,” or anything I’ve ever seen on it, including hypnotism.
I expected Giudice to be one of those “New Age” chicks, complete with power crystals and body odor, but was instead presented with a well dressed young woman with no noticeable odor at all.
“The people who do hypnotism for show are doing just that, putting on a show,” explained Giudice. “They show people what people expect to see hypnotists do, and make it appear as if they are making people do things out of their own control, but the truth is -- I can not make you do anything that you do not want to do.”
This is both reassuring and disappointing. While it means that she can not force you to give up your bank account number, this knowledge also means that you can not go to work in the nude the following day and then attempt to blame your hypnotist.
Hypnotism has also been used to help speed healing and is therefore thought of as an “alternative medicine,” but Giudice prefers to call it “complimentary to medicine,” as she believes strongly that hypnotism should not be used as an alternative for medicine but rather as a tool in conjunction with medicine.
“Take Irritable Bowl Syndrome. It has been shown that hypnosis is one of the best treatments for it,” said Giudice.
My bowls however are in pristine condition and so Giudice went about the business of tinkering with my brain.
We sat in my office’s break room for what seemed like an hour, with me in a trance state. No crystal balls, pocket watches, or pinwheels were used. Giudice merely spoke to me until I was completely relaxed (reggae music could have sped things along).
My mind went on a magical mystery tour of emotion, taking me to the root of my procrastination. What could it be? Was it a traumatic childhood event? An ex-girlfriend who never believed in me? Brain rot?
Soon I had my answer. Turns out I’m lazy … I was really hoping for the brain rot.
It is too early to say whether or not the experiment worked, but I can say that I cut out of the session early so that I could pursue another story. So, there’s that.