Mass Headache
By James Johnson
Welcome to the Internet. Here, you get access to free news, videos of piano playing kittens, and other stuff too unspeakable to mention ("rule 34" is a cautionary tale). Most importantly, you get useless mass emails from friends, on various topics such as, the Top 10 Best Stoner Movies, a Nigerian prince needs your bank account number, and of course, the personality survey (Are you a Gryffindor, or a Ravenclaw? An orc, or a white wizard? A rebel, or a basket case? I'm a princess).
These mass emails almost always conclude with some sort of veiled death threat: "forward this email to 25 other people, or the ghost of Bill Gates will kill you. He's waiting just outside, aiming at you with a sniper rifle … or, erm, the ghost of a dead sniper rifle."
To finally put a stop to this madness, I've decided to compile a Top 10 List of things that are totally acceptable to email me. Please pay close attention, because by the end there will be a test that will help determine what kind of person you are ... I'll say you some time - you're a princess.
1.) Anything work related. This includes press releases, story tips and praise. You may also send me negative feedback, but only about other writers.
"Dear Mr. Johnson,
that Thad Mumau guy went too far."
"Dear reader,
while I do not know what you are referring to, I agree whole heartedly. He must be stopped. Meet me behind the Westwood Shopping Center tonight at 9 p.m., and bring your pitchfork."
2.) Alcoholic beverages. While I'm not certain it is physically possible to email hard liquor, I have equipped my computer with a spigot just in case.
3.) Party invite. I attend any and all parties, no matter their theme. I'm cool with cult meeting invites as well, but don't expect me to bring my own robe.
4.) Nigerian prince related news. Yes, yes, I realize that these things are almost always scams, but I've got a great scam brewing myself. I've been luring Nigerian princes with my shiny bank account, then kidnapping them and holding them for ransom.
What will you do now, Nigeria, without your precious supply of Nigerian princes? Hmm?!
It would appear my Top 10 List of things that are totally acceptable to email me, doesn't quite add up to "10." Those with O.C.D. should appreciate that it has at least ended on an even number. You're welcome.
Hopefully this post has shown you the evils of mass email, while at the same time helped me reach my blog quota for this month.
Now please forward this post to 25 other people. It is said (by me) that all those who do not forward this post shall be haunted by the ghost of Marquis de Lafayette, who will make them feel incredibly guilty for not paying attention during history class.
"Ooooo. Yooou don't know who I am doOooO yoooou? OoOooo! Dooo yooooou?"
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