Bum, bum, bum - another year bites the dust.
By James Johnson
Sorry kids, 2008 is moving out, and the hotter, sexier and younger 2009 is moving in - meet your new mommy.
Sure, 2008 had its charms. It introduced us to Sarah Palin who was kinda awesomely hilarious - I mean, if she’d been introduced to us as a wacky next door neighbor on a popular sitcom, instead of as the potential leader of the free world, she’d be bigger than “Fonzie.”
“You betcha” coulda become our generation’s “ayyyyy” (honestly Fonz, what kinda catch phrase is that? It’s not even a phrase!).
I read somewhere (probably an audio book) that 90% of people who write out year end goal lists see their lists’ goals almost entirely met by the end of the following year, which tells me that: people need to set some loftier freakin’ goals.
To lead the way, I offer below, my year end goal list - now with 20% more loft in every bite.
1.) Blow a million minds.
This here blog is averaging about 100 people a day (I’m being generous), and I’m hoping to change those numbers - even if I have to take a felt tip pen to my computer screen and add extra 0s.
I may need your help. I’ll be honest, if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d probably laugh at you for wearing backwards shoes. But I’m taking a gamble on you being a better person than I (even though I rock out loud).
Please pass this blog onto your friends - especially if your friends happen to be editors for weekly or daily news publications. And visit as often as you can … reloading the page over and over doesn’t count ... Mom!
2.) Buy a portion of Canada.
Uhh… the good portion.
3.) Make enough money to buy a portion of Canada.
These aren’t in chronological order, just so you know.
4.) Maintain a loving romantic relationship for more than a year.
All my recent relationships have come and gone with a quickness. I enjoy commitment - it’s one of the easiest ways to do nothing, while getting congratulated as if you are doing something.
Hypothetical man: “Wow, six years, really? Congrats.. What’s your secret?”
Me: “Mostly not breaking up.”
Hypothetical man: “You’re a stronger man than I‘ll ever be.”
Me: “And I exist!”
Hypothetical man: “… Yeah, you know what? F**k you!”
End scene.
5.) Kill hypothetical man.
Respect yo creator, bitch!
6.) Write a book.
I’ve already got potential titles, all of them ending in “Electric Boogaloo.”
Writing a book has been a dream of mine since the day I realized it must be ridiculously easy to get published. Don’t believe me? Check out the urban fiction section of your local Wal-Mart - they barely spell-check that sh*t!
7.) Love my family more.
My family kicks ass (gladiator style) and though I’ve put a lot of focus on showin’ my friends the lovin’, I want my family to know that I’m still there for them … this is the only way I can ever hope to inherit the family cat, and my mom‘s collection of Star Trek toys.
8.) Win the Olympics.
I’m 25 and it is endlessly depressing to me that people keep assuming I’m 36 (no offense 36-year-olds).
Granted, my hairline appears to have a restraining order against my eyebrows, but I also suspect that it has to do with my diet - and so, I pledge to train like Michael Phelps, then destroy him in battle.
9.) Get a big rock.
Not too big for me to lift, but big enough to destroy Michael Phelps in battle… and still have enough killing power left over for that damn hypothetical man.
Well, that’s about it. One I hope to write a top 10 list that actually ends in 10 - but that’s a lofty goal for a far loftier year -2012 is looking promising.
