Goals for 2009: Kill Michael Phelps.

Bum, bum, bum - another year bites the dust.
By James Johnson

Sorry kids, 2008 is moving out, and the hotter, sexier and younger 2009 is moving in - meet your new mommy.
Sure, 2008 had its charms. It introduced us to Sarah Palin who was kinda awesomely hilarious - I mean, if she’d been introduced to us as a wacky next door neighbor on a popular sitcom, instead of as the potential leader of the free world, she’d be bigger than “Fonzie.”
“You betcha” coulda become our generation’s “ayyyyy” (honestly Fonz, what kinda catch phrase is that? It’s not even a phrase!).
I read somewhere (probably an audio book) that 90% of people who write out year end goal lists see their lists’ goals almost entirely met by the end of the following year, which tells me that: people need to set some loftier freakin’ goals.
To lead the way, I offer below, my year end goal list - now with 20% more loft in every bite.

1.) Blow a million minds.
This here blog is averaging about 100 people a day (I’m being generous), and I’m hoping to change those numbers - even if I have to take a felt tip pen to my computer screen and add extra 0s.
I may need your help. I’ll be honest, if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d probably laugh at you for wearing backwards shoes. But I’m taking a gamble on you being a better person than I (even though I rock out loud).
Please pass this blog onto your friends - especially if your friends happen to be editors for weekly or daily news publications. And visit as often as you can … reloading the page over and over doesn’t count ... Mom!

2.) Buy a portion of Canada.
Uhh… the good portion.

3.) Make enough money to buy a portion of Canada.
These aren’t in chronological order, just so you know.

4.) Maintain a loving romantic relationship for more than a year.
All my recent relationships have come and gone with a quickness. I enjoy commitment - it’s one of the easiest ways to do nothing, while getting congratulated as if you are doing something.

Hypothetical man: “Wow, six years, really? Congrats.. What’s your secret?”

Me: “Mostly not breaking up.”

Hypothetical man: “You’re a stronger man than I‘ll ever be.”

Me: “And I exist!”

Hypothetical man: “… Yeah, you know what? F**k you!”

End scene.

5.) Kill hypothetical man.
Respect yo creator, bitch!

6.) Write a book.
I’ve already got potential titles, all of them ending in “Electric Boogaloo.”
Writing a book has been a dream of mine since the day I realized it must be ridiculously easy to get published. Don’t believe me? Check out the urban fiction section of your local Wal-Mart - they barely spell-check that sh*t!

7.) Love my family more.
My family kicks ass (gladiator style) and though I’ve put a lot of focus on showin’ my friends the lovin’, I want my family to know that I’m still there for them … this is the only way I can ever hope to inherit the family cat, and my mom‘s collection of Star Trek toys.

8.) Win the Olympics.
I’m 25 and it is endlessly depressing to me that people keep assuming I’m 36 (no offense 36-year-olds).
Granted, my hairline appears to have a restraining order against my eyebrows, but I also suspect that it has to do with my diet - and so, I pledge to train like Michael Phelps, then destroy him in battle.

9.) Get a big rock.
Not too big for me to lift, but big enough to destroy Michael Phelps in battle… and still have enough killing power left over for that damn hypothetical man.

Well, that’s about it. One I hope to write a top 10 list that actually ends in 10 - but that’s a lofty goal for a far loftier year -2012 is looking promising.

Tux to be you.

Love me, love my tuxedo
By James Johnson

A while back I received an offer from Ruth Davis’s Affordable Tuxedos.
Davis presented me with the chance to wear her tuxedos for any snazzy journalism related event, which had me ecstatic, until I realized - I don’t go to that many snazzy journalism related events.
Remembering how unwise it is to look a gift horse in the mouth, I took Davis up on her offer and have developed some brand new ways to enjoy the suit James Bond made butch, the tuxedo.

Go fishing - in a tuxedo!
Fishing involves a lot of sitting around, staring at nature, and trying to avoid awkward conversations with your son, so why not do so in style?
Upon seeing your sharp new tux, the fish will feel as if they’ve been invited to an award ceremony. You can even replace your worm bait with mini-Oscar statues and play a drum roll before you toss in the line.
“And the winner is!”

Go to a job interview - in a tuxedo!
You’re supposed to dress to impress at a job interview, right? Well why not take that a step further and make your interviewer feel as if he or she has to impress you?
If you complete the look with a monocle and top hat it’ll be just the push you need to give your new employer the uneasy feeling that you’re just eccentric enough to one day be running the company.

Get fitted for a tuxedo - in a tuxedo!
Uh oh … Did that just blow your mind?

Go bowling - in a tuxedo!
Bowling is one of the few sports to not really garner its own uniform (trucker caps don’t count), so why not make the tuxedo the official uniform of bowling?
Honestly, the end result could go either way. This will either tremendously help the reputation of bowling as a gentleman’s sport, or really diminish the reputation of the tuxedo.
“Sweetie, I can’t believe you wore your bowling uniform to our wedding.”

Crappiest toys of Christmas

Naughty Lil’ Toys
By James Johnson

In the news business Christmas time usually means hacking out some lame ‘best toys gift guide’ to appease those parents who aren’t on speaking terms with their kids. Been there, done that. Introducing the season’s “worst toy gift guide.” You’ve been warned.

1.) FurReal’s Butterscotch Pony
Butterscotch Pony is an award winning toy that claims to make any little girl who has dreamed of having her very own pony, the happiest spoiled brat on the block.
The toy, which is roughly the same height of your average 10 year-old (and width of your average 40-year-old Cubs fan), has been made by Hasbro using advanced realistic animation that reacts to touch. Basically, it moves its head around and grumbles when poked, but otherwise it sits there and does nothing. If this gets confusing to your daughter, simply explain to her that Butterscotch is a special kind of magical narcoleptic pony who needs constant stimulation in order to remain conscious.
Suggested retail price? $299.99. My suggestion? Buy a dog.

2.) Speed Stacks Stack Pack
Sport Stacking is the latest craze trying to redefine the word “sport” to mean “thing you can do while breathing.” The competition requires its players to take plastic cups and stack them really, really fast. That’s it. Just common old plastic cups.
But if you think you can just go to any Dollar General and buy just any plastic cups to stack, think again. These special Speed Stacks brand cups come with something you’re not going to find on any generic plastic cups: a logo.
Oh and four holes in the bottom to prevent stackers from doing anything crazy and unnatural, like say, drinking out of them.

3.) Turbo Bug VacuumA low-powered vacuum designed to suck up bugs so that your child might learn about/torture them for hours on end. This is either a great way to teach your child about the importance of cleanliness, or how to best develop the sadistic curiosity needed to pursue a fruitful career as a serial killer. Either way, this toy - sucks.

4.) Baby AliveWhy do we keep encouraging children to one day want to have kids of their own? The best way for the human race to avoid the consequences of our environmental sloppiness today, is by making certain that no one is alive tomorrow.
Fortunately, Baby Alive seems more likely to make a case against breeding, as its main function is its ability to do what humans do best, create waste.
The doll comes with small packets of “baby food,” that once fed to Baby Alive, is instantly leaked into the baby’s diaper.
Aside from being incredibly messy (both going in and coming out), it has one other realistic baby attribute. Baby Alive is where your money goes to die.
It actually requires you to buy it more food. It is literally one more mouth to feed. In a perfect world, one could simply re-feed the baby its own waste, but as costly as buying extra baby food might be, it is nothing compared to your child’s therapy bills after witnessing such an ungodly act.

5.) Adolf Hitler’s “Mein Kampf”Just in time for the holidays Adolf Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” has received a republishing.
While not a toy, it was on special at a local book store that would probably rather go unnamed. The bookstore’s employees explained that due to fears that the book might not do well during the Christmas season (or Hanukkah for that matter), the company had requested that the book be sold half off with the purchase of romance novelist Nicolas Sparks’ book, “the Choice.” For some reason, the employees refused to pair these two books up. Ah, nothing says love, quite like a book full of hate.