ODDS OF LOVE
By James Johnson
Nowadays it seems like everyone is finding love through some dating website or speed dating technique, but whatever happened to the good old fashioned approach of simply asking a woman for her number -- you know, in person.
To prove that love need not require a search engine to be found, I took to the streets to ask 100 women for their digits and along the way craft a handy tip guide.
TIP #1, Don’t do what I did
Being as I had a deadline to nail (100 seems very doable on a Monday afternoon), I had to keep my delivery quick and to the point. Rather than indulge in small talk, like finding out first names and making eye-contact, most of my encounters involved a quick and garbled “can I get your number?”
For whatever reason, this resulted in a lot of dirty looks, eye rolls and shocked stares. The first sign of a Mace and I curl up in a fetal position.
Swallowing my pride and wiping the sweat from my palms, I began my first trek in the most typically female dominated area - the mall.
TIP #2, Wingman up
Heading into this, I knew my combined lack of charisma and soft squishy face would make me an ideal punching bag for the angry boyfriend type, so I made sure to drag a few wingmen with me. Here, I offer a special thanks to Jaymie Baxley, Matthew Jones and Jim Stichka (it was his idea to go to a lesbian bar).
The extra muscle came in handy near the end of my mall venture when a miffed military man approached Baxley, Jones and I after having followed us for 21-minutes.
His beef, as he had explained, had arisen from the fact that I had asked for the phone number of a woman who was married to a buddy of his. He felt the action was disrespectful to the U.S. Military, and naturally, he wanted to have a polite discussion about the matter - old west style.
Baxley and Jones puffed up behind me (or simply held their breath) and I tried to calm the situation by acting as if he had said something entirely different than what he’d actually said. Works for Bugs Bunny.
“Hey man, thanks for being so cool about this whole thing,” I praised, giving him a reassuring shoulder nudge as we began going our separate ways. “You have a goodnight.”
Somehow this actually worked, and the man, - satisfied that he had taught me a lesson - turned and left. At this point, I thought it’d be a good idea to leave.
Tip #3, Don’t mess with mall security
Yep, evidently someone was so flustered by being asked for their number, that the long arm of the fake-law got called in, and we were given the ol’ walk of shame to the exit. This was thus followed by a slow walk of shame to our car (we were parked on the opposite side of the mall), that quickly evolved to a brisk sprint of shame once Baxley mentioned that the mall had their own snipers.
Tip #4, Be pretty.
Obviously, if you’re simply asking for phone numbers, then you are making this decision based entirely on shallow first impressions (which you’ll later tell your kids was “love at first sight”), and so you shouldn’t be surprised if the response isn’t based on these same snap judgments.
To help better my odds, I wore a sported the “business casual” look. While the jeans said I liked to party, the blazer said I was still employed.
I was also sure to shave. Some ladies like facial hair, but designer stubble went out with “Miami Vice.”
Tip #5, Being lonely is just as bad as being a street vagrant.
The above tip occurred to me after attempting to ask the number of a woman who was walking downtown with an older friend. She gave me a shocked look then smiled politely and explained that she was currently married with child.
I apologized and strolled in the opposite direction as the older woman grumbled, “My God that took balls. And I thought they were cleaning up this part of the city.”
Perhaps a new brand of deodorant is in order?
The final tally
81 women said no. This much rejection in one week is probably not healthy.
18 said yes. Never underestimate the seductive powers of pity.
1 lesbian. She was like that when I found her.
Despite all the above, I did actually manage to have some fun dates. As I am a gentleman, I won’t go into too much detail but I will say that the single greatest thing to come out of this experience hasn’t been the off chance of a romantic encounter or even the meeting of new people, but the blessing of rejection.
I found after the experience of being rejected more than 80 times, I didn’t have the fear I once had of simply approaching a pretty girl. Abs of steel, a great car or an impressive job title will never be able to compete with the fearless confidence offered by being able to take “no” for an answer.
‘Course, the car couldn’t hurt.
