Nothing leaves an unpleasant after taste quite like eating one’s own foot. Not long ago I had written a story about the new entertainment complex, Docks at the Capital. In the story, I lightly teased the business for taking so long in opening, made fun of their Scotty dog mascot, and boasted that if the business were to somehow acquire the wildly popular “Dance, Dance Revolution” arcade game (“Guitar Hero,” for the tone deaf), I would then see fit to challenge and destroy them.
Now, being as I’ve never actually played the game in my life, it might seem odd for me to raise this challenge - but I was drunk off creative freedom and editor Jim McBee saw fit to give me enough rope to hang myself with.
Swallowing my pride, I entered the Capital building, ready to destroy whatever lackey the Docks people would send my way.
That lackey came in the form of Docks’ Amusement Manager (best job title ever) Jorge Rivera. I decided to up the ante by offering Rivera the chance to battle me at three other games as well.
“Okay, though I’ve spent a lot of time testing all of these games,” Rivera warned me with a confident smile. Ah, confidence. That’s the first sign of fear.
Hoop Fever
Hoop Fever is a game in which you toss basketballs into a hoop from a few feet away. While it won’t make anybody into an NBA star, it is said that if you make at least 10 of these, you can then officially consider yourself better at the 3-pointer than Shaquille O’Neal. Sadly, he still has more money than you.
Result:
Rivera’s confident smile revealed something more devastating - blindingly white teeth. With each toss of the ball the gleam of Rivera’s enamel burned my sensitive pupils.
Technically, this round was lost, but Rivera’s hygienic superiority could not save him in every game.
Rivera: 7
Johnson: 3
Fast Track
Dice hockey. If you don’t know what this game is, then take this opportunity to give your parents a harsh talking to for having denied you your childhood. The rest of the story will be here when you get back.
Result:
After commenting on Rivera’s freakishly bright smile, he seemed slightly less chipper than before. In an effort to revive his diminishing spirits, I decided to let him win this one. Deep down, I’m just an old softy.
Rivera: 7
Johnson: 3
Jumpin’ Jackpot
Namco’s “Jumpin’ Jackpot” is an interactive jump rope game, where the player must jump on a pad with sensors in it, over a virtual rope. This game requires skill, timing, fitness and speed, all attributes writers are known for.
Result:
… I don’t want to talk about it.
Dance, Dance Revolution, SuperNova
Dance Dance Revolution SuperNova (or DDRSN. An acronym so long it almost defeats the purpose of using an acronym) is the latest in developer Konami’s arcade dancing series. Basically, you and your opponent stand on two different “dance pads,” and have to hit the pad’s buttons with your feet in accordance with the arrows shown on the screen.
It’s all the fun of a nightclub, mixed with all the excitement of a totalitarian dictatorship.
Result:
In an offer of kindness, I agreed to setting the game’s difficulty level to “easy.” I wanted to destroy Rivera, not humiliate him.
The rhythmic beat of “Honey Punch” by J-Pop sensation Riyu Kosaka took over and Rivera and I were transformed into dance masters. Foot forward, foot back, left, right, left, forward - left and right? No!
My years of ballet classes seemed all for naught, as this game was asking me to toss out everything I knew about the art of dance, so I rebelled. Rather than following the game’s sick demands, I followed the demands of my heart. It was as if I was possessed by the spirit of Gene Kelly and John Travolta all at once (Travolta is dead, right?).
Unfortunately, as impressive as my gravity defying back-flips, leg-splits and head-spins were, the arcade game would have none of it, instead rewarding points to Rivera for his robotic obedience.
Rivera: 7852348
Johnson: 851851
No comments:
Post a Comment